You'd Think It Was The Second Coming Of Jesus

After a greater part of my Friday morning was filled with the sound of multiple power tools and three office service workers arguing over what to do to make The Thing work, the beaut above was grandly unveiled outside my office. On closer inspection, it is a coffee machine. And not just any coffee machine. A STARBUCKS self serve machine that grinds beans for that perfect individual cup of freshly brewed java in your choice of tall, grande, venti and whatever passes for pitcher/urn size in Starbuckspeak.

So, on a quiet Friday afternoon, we took it for a test spin. Please note those who don't work in an ad agency, Fridays between Memorial Day and Labor Day are deadly quiet as agencies take pity on their slaves and bequeath four additional vacation days during this time. So, on any given Friday, two thirds of the staff is missing. This was one of those days.

But back to our new stainless steel behemoth...It was immediately discovered that, while easy to use, it took about a solid minute for the cup of coffee to come out. And the fucker was LOUD. Not just during the grinding session, but during the actual art of brewing, also. Did I mention already this thing is situated a mere three feet from my always open (we're an 'open door' policy place and, unless I'm job hunting, I'm an 'open door' kind of team player) office door?

Even though word hadn't officially gotten out about the grand unveiling of the contraption, scavengers from even the far flung corners of the floor came scurrying. Hell, the head of Research, who admittedly didn't even LIKE coffee came out to sample a cup. (I suppose that's part of his job description, so he's excused.) But what about the legions of people who came by swearing they hate the taste of Starbucks' 'burned' brew? Yep, they came running, too, all oohing and ahhing over the majesty that was this new stainless steel wonder.

This, dear readers, is what put the fear of God into those of us within a ten foot radius of The Thing. If all this hullabaloo was occurring on a quiet Friday. What. Would. Monday. Bring.

A fucking free-for-all is what.

Every ten seconds someone new would squeal "WHAT IS THAT???" "OH MY GOD!" "STARBUCKS!!!" and the god damn thing would crank off another brew at a decibel not entirely unlike the Concord during lift off.

As The Thing is situated in an adhoc break center - we have a mini-fridge, microwave, normal quiet coffee/tea brewer, a black and white printer and always in demand color printer, the area gets a lot of traffic. However, there is a kitchenette located on a more secluded section of the floor and a full service kitchen on the floor above. After our complaints were registered, Office Services assured us The Thing would be removed by the end of the day. Yet, as of 6:30, it remained. I'd bet you any one of my client's full year media budgets it will be there tomorrow.

I suggested to my neighbors we slap a "sorry, not in service" sign on it at 10:01am - 3pm and 3:30 - 5:30pm every day. Heck, it worked with the why-are-you-nuking-nasty-ass-fish-every-day and the I-like-to-burn-the-shit-out-of-my-popcorn-junkies. My next door neighbor has a much better idea for a sign:

"There's a Starbucks one block away, you cheap fucks."

UPDATE: It took a week, but they carted The Thing away this morning. It will now be terrorizing cubeland on the other side of the floor.