My Love/Hate Affair with East Midtown

After seven years, I will no longer be working in East Midtown. (The eleven months in Columbus Circle don't count)

Things I will miss:

1. My Coffee Cart Guy. I never have to tell him my order, only need to stipulate "hot" or "iced."

2. Keith, my security guy. He'd let me up the elevator bank even those days I couldn't find my ID. The other guy would always make me do the walk of shame to the other elevator bank, ride the short shaft to 14, get out and walk around to the original bank to catch a packed car to the higher floors. Bastard.

3. The Little Man. All my all buildings have had one. He's that sweet guy who runs the newstandlike shop on the bottom floor. He'll always give you a genuine smile and thank you while ringing up your Snapple, emergency bandaids or pocketpaks.

4. There's a Barnes & Noble, Duane Reade, Nine West, two post offices, Ann Taylor, Chase, good pizza, four places to get paninis, two lunch spots with hand rolled sushi and a Starbucks all within a few blocks.

5. Smith & Wolensky. Mortons. Sparks. Michael Jordans. The Palm. Five of the best steakhouses in the city made my neighborhood a carnivorous dream. S&W reigns as my personal favorite as it was the place that brought a swift end to my semi-vegetarian ways on that first corporate card paid lunch seven years ago.

6. My little nail place. They always have Like Linen in stock, give a quickie back rub while you dry and every single one of the ladies goes "Bi-yee" as you leave.

7. There's a firehouse two blocks away. When it's hot out, they wear the tight short sleeved uniforms. Yum.

8. The cobbler in the 53rd/Lex subway station is the best. I've trusted him with my strappy Jimmy Choos, mod marc jacobs boots and countless nine west heels.

9. There's a Mr. Softee always parked on the corner of 48th/3rd during warm months.

10. An abundance of rooftop bars are within blocks as are cozy and boisterous Irish pubs to watch a game post work.

Things I will not miss:

1. The traffic clusterfuck that ensues every time The Prez or a diplomat is in town either from his car brigade or the ensuing protestors. Or, the traffic that ensues on a regular basis cockblocking you from every blinking yellowy white WALK signal.

2. Those damn Red Apple tour buses and the 3rd Avenue line's Clean Air supersized beasts that belch hot exhaust on you at every corner.

3. The constant screeching of firetrucks and police cars.

4. The conspiracy of all the lunch spots to set the minimum cost of a sandwich at $6.95.

5. The insanely crowded sidewalks. God help you if it's raining. The Suits insist on using those gargantuan double wide umbrellas lest a drop of H2O hit their Armani. And they don't 'lift' as you struggle by. Bastards.

6. Everywhere you turn, someone is trying to hand you a coupon, menu or card for a strip club.

7. Turtle Bay. Sutton Place (except the roof) and every other frat bar that resides on 2nd Ave or the stretch in the mid 30s of Mercury Bar, 515 and the like.

8. Trying to hail a cab during the evening rush hour can be like an immunity challenge on Survivor. You must outwit and outlast your opponents.

9. Playing Russian Roulette with the escalators at the 53rd/Lex station. Will They Be Running Or Blocked Off has become a game I play nearly every night and most mornings. And I'm a "walker" so for the love of God, please keep your standing self to the right when they are operational.

And lastly, the thing I will miss the least:

10. Reliance on the fucking V train to put-put it's way anywhere in a timely fashion.