Bumpwatch 2007: That Ain't No Genie In Your Bottle

The January issue of Marie Claire features Christina Aguilera in all her reproductive glory. Demi Moore's Vanity Fair cover is isn't. But it sure is a helluva lot better than Britney's bazaar Bazaar cover.

Oh Marc, Say It Isn't So

Apparently the newly blue hued locks, posing nude in Out and his on-again/off-again/on-again love affair with boy toy Jason Preston aren't the only recent brainfarts of Marc Jacobs. Rumored for months and officially announced today, is the cringe-worthy news that Victoria Beckham, aka She of the Robot Tits, will star in this Spring's Marc Jacobs campaign.

Vuitton would have been the better choice but who are we to decipher MJ's inner workings. This is the man who single handily created Grunge, appalled the industry by sending an "Attack of the Pod People" down the runway a couple of years back - which in turn begot the voluminous fashions gracing every female retail outlet for the past four seasons and has managed to charm and delight Anna Wintour for half of my life.

But Posh? Seriously? I don't want to like her, Marc. I have refused to buy into her campaign to be THE IT GIRL in America. I don't even lust after her lust worthy hubby.

If she's your new muse, I'm not so sure I can continue buying into (and acquiring far more than I can afford) the irreverent attitude the Marc Jacobs line has represented. I hung with you through the whole almost-bordering-on-creepy Dakota ads, but this...this may just be too much.

For now I'll keep mum until the ads are inevitably leaked, but consider yourself warned.

Thank You, Genius Bar

About a week and a half ago, I popped in my eleven month old ipod's FSB cord to my VAIO to charge it for a trip to the Man Friend's in Jersey to no avail. No message. Nothing but a dead black screen. A few tries later it finally gave me the dreaded sad sack face and informed me "Please wait. Very Low Battery."

Ok, no problem. This had happened a few times before when it accidently turned on in my purse, etc. An hour later I left my apartment ipodless, my little guy still hooked up to charge. Upon returning a day later, the same very low battery message mocked me. This continued all weekend and again when I hooked the little guy up to my work computer.

Uh-oh. I'd lived this scenario before when my previous ipod decided to commit suicide for seemingly no reason other than to barely outlive my warranty and once again line Steve Jobs' pockets as I cannot imaging surviving in NYC without one of these little machines.

The timing couldn't have been worse as the Thanksgiving holiday was upon us and this meant me schlepping around the tri-state area. After a visit to the SoHo store, on Wednesday, it was determined the earliest I could get an appointment at the Genius Bar (where the employees would undoubtedly tell me what I already knew - my ipod was dead) wouldn't be until Saturday.

Realizing on Friday I'd be spending the night in Jersey, I logged on to apple.com and switched my appointment to the Parumus Mall for the following afternoon. How much less chaotic than the SoHo store! In less than 20 minutes, I walked out of the store with a brand spanking new 30G video ipod (free of charge and no questions asked) that synced with my itunes at home within minutes.

No muss. No fuss.

A sincere thank you, Apple.

For The Men In Your Life

Get there while the getting's good. Lots of jackets, leather goods, sunglasses, watches, dress shirts, tie clips and cuff links were left after my trip to the dunhill employee sale this morning.

If it wasn't for the Eurotrash dude holding up the line by putting 'a couple of thousand dollars on this card and three thousand on that one and five thousand on this one...' there would likely be a lot more inventory to get your shop on with. Seriously, I think he was starting his own boutique!

Don't let the fact that it's an employee sale concern you. It's not like they're checking IDs on the way in.

Happy Shopping,

Z.

Pope Benny's Coming!

Next April, my favorite Prada wearing Pontiff will be visiting the Big Apple to speak to the UN, pay respects at Ground Zero and the like. The most important event on his itinery will come on April 20th (now now, keep your 4:20 jokes to yourselves...) when he celebrates Mass at Yankee Stadium.

As any fan will agree, after all the shakeups in the past couple of months (and lack of rings since 2000), it couldn't hurt to have the holiest of holies bless the joint with his presence at the start of the season. While he's at it, can he shake a little holy water on the construction site next door?

The F Train Follies: Say Wha?

Sadly, this may be the best option for F train riders once the elevated Culver Viaduct at Smith/9th is closed for the better part of 2010...

Thx NYMag!

Punch Prius

I'm a big fan of playing that throwback game Punch Buggy. Since VW re-released the updated version of the popular car back in 1998, I've been able to wallop on innocent (and often annoyed) companions in earnest. Based on this past Tuesday's events I'm considering updating the game to Punch Prius.


The Rules:

1. Once arriving at your girlfriend's block, park your eco-friendly ride on a relatively quiet side street in Brownstone Brooklyn, preferably near a rumored to be not entirely legal construction site discovered after being the unfortunate recipient of a few too many alternate side parking tickets

2. Pay no mind to the mega-dumpster parked outside said rumored to be not entirely legal construction site as the thing's been butting out into the road for months.

3. Be gleeful you've the artfully planned a day off from work (cough, cough...I'm not feeling too well...) and can sleep in late.

4. The next morning, momentarily question your parallel parking skills when upon approaching your ride you find it now at a 30 degree angle hopped up on the sidewalk, its right headlight hugging the tree outside St. Mary Star of the Sea Roman Catholic Church's Rectory.

5. Note the proximity of the Prius to the megadumpster and how someone had to be flying down the road, see the dumpster too late and in turn ram into your car hard enough to do this damage.

6. Notice the left back end's now eerie resemblance to the crumpled bodywork of "Greased Lighting" after the pivotal drag race.

7. Collect no less than a fistful of body shop and tow truck cards, tsk-tsks, pity and advice from every passerby, the 76 Precinct's seemingly entire roster of on-duty officers and top brass stopping by yet wait 45 minutes for an angelic traffic officer in one of those johnny scooter things to arrive with the actual paper work whilst becoming the object of the entire neighborhood's gossip circle that morning.

8. Wait another two hours for Geico to send a flat bed tow truck from Bay Ridge to drag your mangled wreck back to the Toyota dealership in Jersey (added value: hitching a free ride)

9. Realizing your "sick day" ended up costing you your car and insurance deductible but ultimately showed a neighborhood's concern and caring (well, except for that one anonymous asshole who was behind the hit and run at 4:30am): Priceless

Punch Prius. It's what all the cool kids will be doing.