You'd Think It Was The Second Coming Of Jesus

After a greater part of my Friday morning was filled with the sound of multiple power tools and three office service workers arguing over what to do to make The Thing work, the beaut above was grandly unveiled outside my office. On closer inspection, it is a coffee machine. And not just any coffee machine. A STARBUCKS self serve machine that grinds beans for that perfect individual cup of freshly brewed java in your choice of tall, grande, venti and whatever passes for pitcher/urn size in Starbuckspeak.

So, on a quiet Friday afternoon, we took it for a test spin. Please note those who don't work in an ad agency, Fridays between Memorial Day and Labor Day are deadly quiet as agencies take pity on their slaves and bequeath four additional vacation days during this time. So, on any given Friday, two thirds of the staff is missing. This was one of those days.

But back to our new stainless steel behemoth...It was immediately discovered that, while easy to use, it took about a solid minute for the cup of coffee to come out. And the fucker was LOUD. Not just during the grinding session, but during the actual art of brewing, also. Did I mention already this thing is situated a mere three feet from my always open (we're an 'open door' policy place and, unless I'm job hunting, I'm an 'open door' kind of team player) office door?

Even though word hadn't officially gotten out about the grand unveiling of the contraption, scavengers from even the far flung corners of the floor came scurrying. Hell, the head of Research, who admittedly didn't even LIKE coffee came out to sample a cup. (I suppose that's part of his job description, so he's excused.) But what about the legions of people who came by swearing they hate the taste of Starbucks' 'burned' brew? Yep, they came running, too, all oohing and ahhing over the majesty that was this new stainless steel wonder.

This, dear readers, is what put the fear of God into those of us within a ten foot radius of The Thing. If all this hullabaloo was occurring on a quiet Friday. What. Would. Monday. Bring.

A fucking free-for-all is what.

Every ten seconds someone new would squeal "WHAT IS THAT???" "OH MY GOD!" "STARBUCKS!!!" and the god damn thing would crank off another brew at a decibel not entirely unlike the Concord during lift off.

As The Thing is situated in an adhoc break center - we have a mini-fridge, microwave, normal quiet coffee/tea brewer, a black and white printer and always in demand color printer, the area gets a lot of traffic. However, there is a kitchenette located on a more secluded section of the floor and a full service kitchen on the floor above. After our complaints were registered, Office Services assured us The Thing would be removed by the end of the day. Yet, as of 6:30, it remained. I'd bet you any one of my client's full year media budgets it will be there tomorrow.

I suggested to my neighbors we slap a "sorry, not in service" sign on it at 10:01am - 3pm and 3:30 - 5:30pm every day. Heck, it worked with the why-are-you-nuking-nasty-ass-fish-every-day and the I-like-to-burn-the-shit-out-of-my-popcorn-junkies. My next door neighbor has a much better idea for a sign:

"There's a Starbucks one block away, you cheap fucks."

UPDATE: It took a week, but they carted The Thing away this morning. It will now be terrorizing cubeland on the other side of the floor.

Deathwatch 2008: Picture it...Sicily...1938...

Sadly, it was announced that Estelle Getty passed away in her LA home this morning, just a few days shy of her 85th birthday. Getty had suffered with Lewy Body Dementia for years and has been out of the public eye for some time. She was surrounded by loved ones.

Although she'd been an actor since the late 70s, Getty was best known as the sassy Sicilian senior Sophia Petrilla on the Golden Girls (one of my all time favorite TV shows) for which she was nominated seven years in a row for an Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series EMMY (winning in 1998) and nominated three times for a Golden Globe for Best Performance By An Actress In A TV Series (Won/Tied with Cybill Shepard in 1986).

You will be missed, Estelle. Thank you for entertaining me all those years.

Project Runway Quote Of The Night

It wasn't much of a surprise apparent horror film enthusiast Jerry was given the boot on tonight's premiere of Project Runway's fifth season. Here at Z Madison we're more concerned with the snappy one liners. While this episode gleefully peppered us with great quotes, the winner is:

"The dress underneath looks like a handiwipe gone wrong" - Michael Kors, who, incidentally, didn't look as orange as normal.

Our runner up is a toss-up between Heidi with "That was just butt ugly" (which described most of tonight's fashions) or the on-screen description of Nina's "job" (editor-at-large of Elle).

Of course we'll be keeping a close eye on the Brooklyn resident Daniel who would be a zoologist if not a designer and everyman Joe whose ability to quip could render him our quote king if these are any example:

"To fussilli or not to fussilli"

"I used pasta on the skirt and a great oven mitt for the top"

Sweet Jesus, My Prayers Are Answered

It's back...and with Bret!

That's right, my favorite TV Trashy Mustsee, Rock of Love, will be back for a third season with the one and only Bret Michaels, VH1blog.com announced today. But there is a twist - the new show will be called Rock of Love Bus as Bret will be hitting the road with a whole new batch of skanks for the month-long filming.

"How will Bret find a woman to ‘rock his world’ when his world is always moving? VH1 is loading up a tour bus filled with beautiful babes and taking them on tour across the country. Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels takes contestants out of the mansion and on the road in true rock star style... This season, as the Rock of Love Bus heads into America’s heartland, the show will be taking the viewer to a whole new level with crazy, fun, over-the-top challenges- imagine Truck Stop Olympics or a dance contest on top of the St. Louis Arch or even a BBQ cook-off beneath the World’s Largest Thermometer. "

Now if "early 2009" will only hurry up and arrive...

Happy 4th Of July

Last year I spent the 4th of July in London at a pub, sipping a pint of Stella and noshing on fish and chips. This year I'll be spending it the all American way: in the 'burbs at a backyard BBQ, sipping a Sam Adams Summer Ale and noshing on burgers and hot dogs while cheering on the Yanks vs that team from Boston.

Oh, and I'll also be trying not to blow off any digits or limbs lighting the fireworks procured legally last weekend in good old Pennsylvania.

Here's hoping you and yours have a wonderful and relaxing holiday.